Face Your Fear and Do It Anyway!

I am currently on a cycle of Sleep, Eat, Gym, Work, Study, Repeat.  No fun, need fun! It’s that crazy time of year when all my assignments for my studies are due and all I’m doing is working on getting them in on time and as I work full-time that leaves night-time and weekends with just the added pressure of getting everything done and up to date by the time I leave for my trip!

I had to miss hiking yesterday, and it was a nice long one and we had the most gorgeous Autumn day here in Cape Town. But I remind myself of my long-term goal and why I am doing this. I push forward as I listen to the laughter of children playing outside. I hate having to be confined to the four walls of my study but I know in the end this will all be worth it.

Yesterday Emma’s older sister, Tracy, jumped out of a plane (with a parachute)!  Now this is not something she would normally do.  Like me, she was raising funds for Cystic Fibrosis and hence jumping out a plane!  She managed to raise a whopping £1,594.64 for Cystic Fibrosis. Well done Tracy, what an amazing achievement!  In the run up to the big day she had been quite nervous and at times, like me, wondering what on earth she was doing but she said from the moment she arrived at the airfield the nervousness just evaporated and excitement took over! She said it was an amazing experience and would go up again in a heartbeat!

I image that is what it is going to be like climbing Kilimanjaro. The nerves are going to come soon and although I already have days where I wonder what on earth I am doing, I know once my feet touch down on Tanzanian soil, the heart of Africa, and I get my first glimpse of Kilimanjaro, my fear too will just evaporate and I believe I will stand there in awe at what lies before me.  Well that is the plan anyway!

So often in life fear stops us from pushing forward. Afraid of the unknown we shy back and watch others do what we only wish we could do.  I’ve done it countless times, being afraid of doing something but 3 ½ years ago when the back tyre on my car burst and my car was elevated into the air and then proceeded to roll five times, first rolling nose to tail and then sideways four more times. I remember each roll in vivid detail and I can still feel the sand and the glass graze the side of my face as I rolled. That day I got firsthand experience at how quickly life can be taken.  To this day I still don’t know how or why I managed to walk away from that but every day I am grateful for the second chance at life.  I still have the photos of my car lying there, far down that steep embankment on the other side of the road. I hardly ever look at them because sometimes when I do, it’s too overwhelming. Naturally, after the accident I had not only physical wounds to heal, I also had the psychological ones to heal.  When I was eventually able to drive again, it must have been about my third day driving, I was on my way to work when I had my first panic attack ever. I was in the far left hand lane slowing down as I came up to a set of traffic lights getting ready to turn left but I had cars all around me and suddenly the fear came out of nowhere, without warning, and gripped every inch of my body, my arms stiffened on the steering wheel as if I was holding on for dear life. It was the most terrifying feeling and I was petrified something was going to happen to my car, causing me to crash in to one of the cars driving around me. It was that very moment I knew I needed to do something to overcome the fear that in that moment completely consumed me and I had to do it before it debilitated my life. I knew one thing for sure; I wasn’t going to let fear stop me living my life. After doing some research I discovered a technique called EMDR, originally from America, I found a practitioner in Cape Town who specialized in it and made an appointment.  It was the best decision I ever made. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) works with trauma and helps you process the trauma by reliving it (which is what we do with a trauma anyway when certain things trigger memories of the event).  After a trauma it is like the memory is stuck in your brain and hasn’t been filed away properly and in the end this EMDR process helps you “file” it away as a distant memory rather than as a constant recurring event.  According to Francine Shapiro’s theory, when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm usual cognitive and neurological coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli of the event are inadequately processed, and are dysfunctionally stored in an isolated memory network.

I had this amazing treatment done three times and although it’s hard because it takes you right back to that moment of the trauma and it is like it is happening all over again, it helped me process the event and file it away and now instead of physically smelling, hearing and feeling everything that happened in those terrifying moments, I just remember the events without the actual sensations taking over my body.

For a long while afterward and even still today, whenever I am about to take a long road trip, I still get nervous and recall moments of that almost fatal day but I never let it stop me. I get in my car and I drive, facing the fear as it comes up. About a year and a half after the accident I got a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist which says in Chinese “Life Without Regret”.  It reminders me to live without regret everyday, to try everything I can at least once and it reminds me to push through the fear and it reminds me that my best life is on the other side of my fear. I really do believe nothing is impossible!  It took me a while to find a tattoo artist who would do it the size I wanted as most wouldn’t consider doing it so small and as delicately as I wanted it.  But eventually I found someone who was willing to put the time and effort into doing it how I wanted it. I booked an appointment for the 24^th.  The day rolled around and that morning I woke up and headed to the tattoo parlour. My mind wasn’t really on anything else except getting my next tattoo. I was excited and I knew it was going to be beautiful.  It didn’t take too long and once it was done I was thrilled with what the artist had done. It was exactly what I had envisioned, if not even better. Sitting in the car I took a moment to admire my new work of art and then it hit me. I couldn’t have gotten this tattoo, which is my reminder to live, on a more special day. It was something right up until the day before I had known what that day was but for some reason up until that moment in the car looking at my new tattoo I hadn’t yet made the connection between what I was doing and the meaning behind it and the fact that I was doing it on Emma’s birthday! (If you reading this blog for the first time and wondering who Emma is, check out this page A Girl Named Emma)

I hadn’t planned on doing this on her birthday and although every year for the week before her birthday I am aware it’s coming up because it’s a day I celebrate her life every year. But when I had made the appointment and we had just said Saturday the 24^th and not Saturday, 24th of July! I hadn’t made the connection until that moment. It was so fitting. My best friend had taught me how to not let anything stop you from living, she taught me how not to be afraid of things you couldn’t change and there on her birthday I had just gotten a tattoo reminding me to push past the fear and live my best life.

The reason I had gotten the tattoo on my wrist was because of my fear since the accident of driving at faster speeds on highways and when I was doing long distance trips – I wanted a constant reminder to not let fear stop me from doing anything. Now while I drive even without taking my eyes off the road I can see the tattoo on the inside of my wrist, reminding that my greatest life lies on the other side of my fear and all I have to do it keep moving forward.  I look at it often, it reminds me of Emma. It reminds me of that day I survived and how I got a second chance at life. It often pushes me on.

We can’t let fear stand in our way no matter how big or small it might be. The difference between playing it safe and taking that risk, even if it ends in utter disaster, is that you would have taken that step, you have tried.  Never stop daring to reach for something you believe in.

“When you put your faith in a dream that is bigger than yourself there is always provision.  There are always miracles.  There are endless open doors.

But if you never try, you will never know.

And you will never live your dream.

You will always be hiding in the shadow of your fear.

Step out.

Be bold.

Take the risk.

Face your fear.

Make your dream happen.”

~ All pics from Tumblr ~

Who Said Impossible?

Just last week I got news that I had completed my BA degree in Psychology. I am 37 years old. This is big news for me. Ever since I can remember I always knew this is what I wanted to do. But after school, life happened; I was young, I moved in with my boyfriend, I let my dreams get squashed and I ventured down other paths.

But six years ago something was awakened in me and I questioned what on earth I was waiting for. To study psychology was still my dream; I had absolutely nothing holding me back so why on earth was I waiting for a better day? Unfortunately, it was already too late in the year to register but I made enquiries, approached universities and found out all the information I needed.   Then when the time came for the next registration intake the following year, I was ready to apply. Fast forward five years and I have completed my degree. Full time it takes 3 years, however, I work full-time so I did my degree part-time over 5 years. It’s been a long and sometimes hard road, but with each result that came in my excitement grew and it pushed me towards that finish line and I worked even harder. I started getting distinctions for modules I finished and before I knew it, I had a pile full of distinctions. My dream was unfolding before my very eyes! While nearing the finish line I realised that to get admitted to Honours, I would need to get an average above 60% for my 3^rd year psych subjects. The challenge was on. Even though my marks had been really good up until then (I have surprised myself over and over again!) I knew I had to work really hard to make sure my grades were good enough and that came with endless sacrifices.   Each one worth it, as when my final results came in, my average was sitting on 70%, I had done it and today I have been officially accepted for Honours in Psych and so my next chapter begins.

I can’t remember where it started, my belief that nothing is impossible. Maybe it came from me listening to everyone saying “nah, that’s impossible.” Maybe I just like to defy what others say. I was always the black sheep of the family anyway! But since that belief took hold of my life, my life has expanded in ways I never imagined possible. I walk this path, sometimes only seeing what’s right in front of me, and at times there are obstacles in my way (sometimes the whole road is blocked) and as I move closer to that obstacle, I often begin to panic wondering how on earth I am going to get around this lot. Then I remember where I’m going and start hatching out a plan and once I’ve made the decision to keep pushing forward it is like these invisible angels are working to clear the way before me. I see the obstacle, I make plans to get around it and suddenly the obstacle is moved to the side of the road and it dawns on me yet again, all you need is absolute faith and belief, not only in yourself but in where you are going.  If it is meant to be IT WILL BE. It amazes me constantly how all of existence conspires to assist me to bring forth my gift ever since I fully committed to listening to what was heard by me alone. I have never been more sure of anything in all my life; this is exactly what I am meant to do.

Never let anyone shut down your dreams.

Never stop believing in them.

Nothing is EVER impossible.  

Set your course.

Take that first step.

And before you know it, you are reaching for the stars and your dreams are in sight.

 

One afternoon after school Emma and I were standing in her parent’s kitchen making some lunch. Due to CF, Emma needed help with digesting her food so every time she ate she would have to take numerous pills to aid this. Not just one or two pills but literally a whole hand full of them. She would just get a glass of water and gracefully gulp them down, sometimes all in one go and often while still holding a conversation with me!! This always amazed me. (Taking all those pills not the holding a conversation part!!) Anyway, back to my story, I had watched her do this thousands of times over the years and on this particular afternoon as I watched her, I asked, “Doesn’t it bug you having to take so many tablets every time you eat?” She swallowed the last lot of pills and put the empty glass of water in the sink and turned to me and said nonchalantly, “No, I have never know anything else so I don’t know what it’s like not to take these pills. For me, this is normal.” With that reply, I nodded understanding and we finished making our lunch.  Emma often had obstacles placed in front of her and as she had said herself, she has never know anything different but yet each day she would get up and deal with what each day put in front of her. I might not have realised it then, but Emma turned out to be one of my greatest teachers.

My life has by no means been an easy path, I have had to fight for everything I wanted and I have had to work damn hard to get it and don’t get me wrong, there are always obstacles of some sort in my path ahead. It is never been only smooth sailing. Maybe that is what makes victory so sweet.

No matter what’s going on in your life, whether you view your life as easy or hard (it is always a choice in the end), you just have to face the obstacles head on and make that conscious decision as to how you are going to deal with it. Anyway, what would life be without a few challenges?

The path beyond those very obstacles doesn’t stop, it continues to beckon you ~ will you heed its call?

I did, and now my dreams are coming true…!

Never stop believing ~ As the Mad Hatter said, it is only impossible if you believe it is.